It’s been a funny week, Charlie has been “late” every single day. I use the term “late” loosely because actually at Charlie’s school there is no late there’s either attending or try another day. And honestly, it really is that free flowing, there is no pressure from the school to get Charlie in any day but lots of encouragement and patience and it really does make a difference.

Today, was the first day we had zero stress and anxiety going in, Charlie actually skipped in and was so happy and I think that is because I removed the pressure from myself to work. I feel unemployable. There is literally no way I can make employment work for us right now. I work very few hours, and the dream always was when Charlie settled back into school I could go back to working between 20-30hours a week to give us a better income and a better standard of living. But it’s impossible, there is no wraparound care, I’ve already used all my “babysitting” tokens by doing the volunteering, mentoring and working Saturdays. There is nowhere I can take Charlie that I won’t be paying triple for his childcare. How is that fair?

I feel exhausted by the efforts of job hunting, but I must do it. Because there’s no guarantee that next month the DLA will be renewed at renewal and I feel immense pressure to provide for my family and give us an income that is sufficient. It has been difficult mentally to get my head around this. It has been good to get the house sorted, up until now I’ve always had so many more priorities than the house. Work, children, University. The house was never a priority surviving was.

So concentrating on the house, is bittersweet and leaving me with conflicted emotions. It’s good for us, it’s good that I’m given this space and time to be able to build us a lovely home but…. I don’t dare spend any money! I have spent our holiday money on a new carpet as we don’t know what will happen with travelling. But, as for spending money on making it beautiful I am doing it on the strictest budget because I feel our income is not guaranteed and what if we lose it? What if the DLA is not renewed, I will then lose the carer’s allowance which is my income. That’s like losing my job. I will lose that income and that is worrying.

Getting my head around carer’s as an income as my main role and job in life has been difficult. It’s never what I imagined, and I’ve struggled to accept it as my employment role. I battle with it daily for many many reasons and it always leaves me conflicted.

Hurry up June. I want to leave this limbo land so I can refocus my energies and time and give Charlie the best of me.

Georgina x