Following on from my previous blog around the joys of solo parenting, it feels right that I should add in this lovely blog about dating when you have a child with additional needs. Or a child that needs parenting in a different style than traditional parenting.

Charlie’s father and I separated when Charlie was just 7 weeks old, it was a terrible time and of course I had no idea at that point that Charlie would have any of the struggles and difficulties in his life that he would have. It was December 2011 when we separated and I did not date again until 2014. It was a personal choice, as I was raising 3 children, working full time, running a home and doing an Open University degree, dating wasn’t on my mind at all. Between 2014-2017 I went on many many dates, some just first dates, some 2nd and 3rd dates but no-one that really made me believe that there was a future with them and for my children.

In 2017 I met someone who I honestly really believed would be a permanent fixture in our lives. I thought that there was a future with him so I introduced him to the children. Unfortunately it wasn’t to be and we split up 7 months later. The problem with this is that Charlie has an attachment disorder that means anyone that he bonds with and forms an attachment with, if they leave him it can leave him so emotionally insecure and fragile. The breaking of attachment bonding gives Charlie low self esteem and confidence. There is a link here on attachment disorder:

Attachment disorder | The Good Schools Guide

Charlie’s attachment disorder is a direct result from me and his dad splitting up and being separated from his father in the early years of his life. It is absolutely crucial for Charlie that I limit any types of attachment so that if he does break that attachment bond, I can limit the trauma from it. I have to be very selective as to who I let into Charlie’s life and try and make sure there is no further damage to him. And because of that, I have been very selective to who I date and and who I introduce the children to. Thankfully up until now it has only been one person but unfortunately that relationship wasn’t successful although because of my ability to tune into Charlie’s needs I was able to avoid any further trauma. After 2017 I decided not to date for some time and in 2018 I started my postgraduate degree. There was a date here and there but not on the levels I had experienced earlier on in my 30’s.

Unfortunately choosing someone to date and build a relationship is so much harder when you have a child with additional needs. Not only have you got to navigate dating with children, co-parenting issues that may threaten new relationships but there is the added issues that the person you are dating will not understand your child’s mannerisms, quirks, demands, lack of social cues, challenging behaviour or communication needs.

In the past here are the lovely comments I have had off men I have dated:

Why is he that naughty?
Why don’t you tell him off?
I can’t believe you allow that
Can’t you smack him (never saw that guy again)
Can’t he live with his dad?
I resent the fact I can’t spend any time with you
Why do you care so much?

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I have had a fair few conversations on dates where I have the response on a man’s face that I just know it won’t go passed the first date because he would never understand our life and my parenting style and most importantly Charlie.

However, the universe listened and has sent me the most incredible man into our lives to help rebuild our lives and look forward to the future. I’m very happy to have had the experiences that I have, good or bad because it is what has made me into the strong woman I am today and reinforced my confidence and trust in raising Charlie and his siblings and knowing that I always put them first.

Here’s to the future.

Georgina x